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Some words of wisdom for weary parents

It’s that time of year again. We’re all busy and the darker days have us longing for a break; the sun isn’t so shiny; nature is a tad harder to access without many, many layers and plenty of mud and rain; we all feel more like hibernating than organising science experiments or dashing through the wind and sleet to the library. It’s December, we’re almost a term into this academic year and the home educating wobbles have started for many: why did we choose this? What was I thinking? Where has my life gone? I can’t live with this level of chaos!

The first point to make is that you are not alone. While most articles around the subject of home education, either in print or online, tell positive stories, sadly, there are some ‘Why we quit and are so happy’ tales too. ‘It was too much for me’ states one mother who sent her children back to school after just two weeks of home education. ‘I hated being Mum and teacher. The children resented that too and wanted the softer me to be the only one, they couldn’t accept that I was sometimes there to make them do their schoolwork. And while they loved the extra outdoors time, the lazy mornings, the lack of deadlines, for every aspect that they enjoyed there was one, perhaps even the same one, that I hated. The extra driving to meet with other families and enjoy social time, the scary sense that whatever we did was all on me, the continual quandary: Do I sit here with them watching as they work through these sums or dare I go and wash up? I felt as if they took all I had and so my husband got less of me. I got less of me. I was pulled in too many directions and spread too thin.’

‘It was the huge responsibility that got to me’ explains one father who home educated for a year and then put his son back in the school he had previously felt was failing him. ‘I would get up every day with this sinking feeling that I was failing him too. That he would actually need to learn X where I was set on teaching him Y. Teaching began to feel like a dark art that I didn’t have access to, and I couldn’t take it any more. It was time to hand him back to the professionals and admit that I just didn’t have the skills.’

It’s not uncommon to quit. We have all met the families who appeared for a week or two at the local HE social group but then disappeared, sinking without trace back into the school system they had formerly rejected. And I sympathise, I really do. There probably isn’t a week where I don’t think, albeit fleetingly, about how life might be if I wasn’t managing the education of eight- and four-year-olds as well as everything else, and I don’t even have to hold down a traditional job. My house is a vaguely managed tip, the car even worse, meals are haphazard and I’ll never drink eight glasses of water a day – who has the time for that? Some days I barely brush my hair…or teeth. So, I am not judging. For some, home educating was only ever a stopgap until a place at a school was found or another solution presented itself. For others, it was an experiment that didn’t work out. Nothing to be ashamed of, or judged, just a family experience.

But, if your heart tells you that home education is a fine and wonderful thing, you want to stick with it and the reality of school, for whatever reason, does not appear remotely appealing, then it’s worth examining your experiences so far and some of the main reasons that a few families feel that they must send their children back to the institutes that they were so sure were damaging them. Can these issues be overcome? Is quitting the only solution?

Firstly, let’s face up to it and talk about The Chaos. It has to be said, this is one of the most common reasons that I find for why parents give up. And, as stated above, it’s one I know all too well. There are enough decluttering, cleaning, minimalist blogs, articles and even magazines to sink a liner and I won’t be lecturing you here, but being organised definitely helps to relieve that swampy feeling. Have a diary or calendar, use Sunday afternoons to plan meals, write shopping lists and make space to work in any extras that are on the horizon – meet ups, trips, new clubs, music lessons, an extra-long walk or energy burning session. I find jotting a rough plan down is useful but I am rarely tied to the calendar as I prefer to work in harmony with the rather winding path that the children, as individuals, will carve through our day. Similarly, Clarissa, a home educating mother explains: ‘I have always found the Montessori concept of ‘flow’ very appealing. I do loosely plan our weeks but I believe in the children having undisturbed times of concentration and learning that is self-directed. Of course, this doesn’t fit in with the idea of my marching about clapping my hands for attention and announcing that it’s time for maths, or music or whatever my agenda dictates. I honour the children by allowing them the flexibility to discover and explore things for themselves that interest, intrigue and motivate them and that naturally lead on to other ideas, games, creativity and invention. This way the children remain in a ‘state of flow’ which helps them to be calm, happy, diligent and relaxed in their learning, leading to a balanced home environment as well as the space to develop fine qualities such as compassion, trust and flexibility.’

‘Helping in the house is non-negotiable’ says my friend, Lydia, a home educating mother of five. ‘We have a routine and set tasks and these have to be done. I keep everything else much more flexible and because I don’t feel overwhelmed with household tasks I am available to work with their interests and desire to learn. We play a lot of games – most board games teach reading and maths as a minimum and this time helps us to re-group and shift the focus onto a new theme or activity. I aim for a rhythm in our day, not a strict timetable. A sort of flow that allows for individuality and breathing space.’

Relieving the burden by assigning chores may seem arduous initially when whining children need supervision and encouragement. It does feel as if it takes more energy to get them organised than it would need to do the job for yourself, but as they grow their contributions will pay dividends in the time saving, anti-chaos form as well as in their own growing ability to care for a home and family.

A second common lament which often issues from the mouths of former home educators is ‘I just couldn’t do it’. ‘It was the feeling that everything was on my shoulders and I was quickly overwhelmed’ describes one father who quit home educating after three months of struggle.

Being responsible for your child’s education is huge. There’s no denying that. It feels, sometimes, almost as huge as having the baby in the first place. But, just as you managed that first nappy change, bath, fiddly-do-up-the-back sleep suit, you can manage ABC. And if you can’t, there is someone who can. Libraries are full of helpful types, particularly older

folks in your community – find them in parks, on benches, buses, in their garden, walking their dog – are full of knowledge and skills that took them a lifetime to learn that they are usually delighted to have the chance to share. Books and the internet will help – but take time out first to find a specific site or article. It’s too easy to get bogged down or sidetracked by a spur of the moment search. There are clubs and courses and classes galore. My son loves to dance, and we all do most days, but a local Zumba Kids class has been a godsend for his confidence. My little daughter is drawn to horses and our neighbour has welcomed our contribution to her mucking out tasks as well as the extra carrots Tommy, her horse, enjoys!

‘I allow others to take an interest in my children’ says Sarah, a home educating mother of six. ‘We are a large family and have people over most days and I see that as part of my role, to be ok with making a drink or a few slices of cheese on toast for friends so that my children have someone to make art or talk astronomy with, learn piano from or take a nature walk. We home educate alongside the wider community and in that way mine is not the only voice.’

These are just two of the common reasons that many home educators feel that they have failed or that they must send their children back to school. Your experience may be quite different – every family is unique after all. But please remember that you are not on your own. The chances are that someone with greater experience than you will have encountered a similar issue or emotional reaction to the enormous changes encountered by every family who embarks on a home education journey. You will probably find that they are very willing to offer wise words or support of some kind that doesn’t involve sending your children back to a place that you have, most likely for very valid reasons, rejected. Please reach out to others through agencies such as Home Education Advisory Service, Education Otherwise or one of the many home education groups listed on this website. Even open and honest discussion at your local home education social meet is likely to lead to a renewal of conviction and ideas which will help you to feel more able to press on. Part two of this article will consider another couple of common stumbling blocks and further tips on overcoming them.